Humans.
Always trying to be part of something — already part of the universe, albeit ridiculously insignificant even to Earth.
Trying to find the reason behind everything.
How did everything came to be? — be it science or religion, the deeper you go, the more it all feels like the beginning itself was a miracle of sorts.
And what will change once we know the answers? Does everything really need a reason to be?
We are ever evolving as a species, and evolving as a single being leads us all to the same end; therefore we must live every moment as if it was our last. That’s what we learn. And that’s a big, cruel lie. Living every moment as if it was your last often means removing yourself from the system, means not being a gear that moves the whole mechanism spinning the world around — you give your life, time and blood for that. Of course that’s not the whole point of being alive, but living to the fullest means being in control of your space and time, being your own god. We are not gods.
Those who learn from the trials and errors of others last longer and smarter ones prevail. Humans call it natural selection.
Then what happens when a human don’t have what it takes to be part of said system? The strength, the will, when everything is just too much and overwhelming? You cannot simply chose to live on your own, as you are already programmed to work, evolve, and cease — unless you have the power to do so, then travel the world, build rockets, hell, become as god if you will. If you can’t, then you will learn that growing up often means suffering until you figure it out. It’s all subjective in the end. But one thing is obvious: power (what am I talking about here? Money?) is what you need to do the things you want to do, the lack of it means more things you have to do. And sometimes the things you want lie buried at the bottom of the endless to-dos. Months, years pass by, when your well deserved moments of pleasure and pride finally come. You are a better human being now.
God: i have made Mankind
Angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. Look at it. It’s got anxiety.
Which makes me think…we aren’t that different from machines. They too are created, do what they were programmed to do, then are changed by better generations built upon the flaws of the last ones. Just give them the ability to feel and think they can be whatever they want and wait. One could argue you can just rebuild them if they are too problematic or broken, but “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man”. You can’t “rebuild” broken humans without “killing” who they were before, take that as you will.
But is the eternal cycle of life and death a curse? There’s a point in life we are forced to decide what we want to be: a medic? A musician? A programmer? Actress? Artist? Oh hey you’re taking too much time, you only live once you know! What will be your function in the mechanism spinning the world? Oh you can’t decide it…fair enough, we’ll find a way then, you just have to survive, surrendering the control can’t be that bad. It’s not like we have only one chance to decide, but it’s what it feels like: you choose something, than that’s your function until you can’t function. It’s a task not easy to many. Maybe the cycle is not the problem, but the speed of all that happens in between.
Some humans are perfectly fine with it, others not so much. With malfunctions such as depression and anxiety, feeling time passing through your fingers feels like wasting your life away, it hurts, and it’s like water — you can’t hold it, and the more you try, the more the puddle at your feet grows, all while you could have done something much better with all the water (time) gone to waste, you can’t stop thinking about that. It just makes it all feel that pointless if you’re not part of something, even if it means just giving your life away for the sake of living. Is there any point in such existence? Why of course there is, the same point as all other existencies. So why some have to suffer unbearable amounts of pain to meet the same end as a billionaire who wakes up any morning and just decide which dream to turn into reality next? I’m failing to answer that, and my once rose colored glasses are fading to gray.
It’s not like I’m losing my will to live, nor is it like me to write such nihilistic words. Maybe it all comes down to the state of my mind and soul lately and I will see everything through a brighter side again soon. But it’s being increasingly hard to see the worth in going through all of this, it feels like I’m carrying the weight of the world. Is the universe or god trying to teach me something? By watching the people who mean the world to me suffer so badly and not being able to do anything because I don’t even have the power to save myself? Then that probably makes us enemies. It will all lead to the same end, but I’d gladly give my life and everything I have if it meant saving one of said people and allowing them to continue, and so I fight and evolve. I said we are like gears in a mechanism, so we do have a purpose and we do give strength to the ones closest, so they can keep on moving, just by being there, moving ourselves.
I know I’m not alone in this and I have a myriad of reasons to keep me going, and much of this probably made no sense — it was just my mind at it’s rawest, and even I have a hard time figuring myself out.
I want to continue and keep on trying. Maybe I’m just overthinking. Maybe I’m asking too many questions with no answers at all, and pursuing them too much will just make my feet wet.
This piece was obviously inspired by a great game that resonates deeply within me yet to this day and I think I’ll never forget it (yes it’s Nier Automata). But everything also came from my heart. I didn’t mean to be edgy, but sometimes we want to express rage like that, blaming existence itself on something.
